What I Ate Today (By: The Edge)

My parents have me on a very strict diet because I am a baby and I think also because I have only two teeth. I also have a dog named Sapphira.

I think they should let me eat more things like they do and I also think they should let me operate the microwave because it spins things around and dings and I am pretty sure I could do it as it looks quite simple. Here is a list of what I ate today so you can see for yourself that I am ready for more.

• Formula
• Bits of bread. Why do they tear it up for me first? I can tear it up myself! Have they not seen my prior work on catalogs?
• Something mushy that tasted like oatmeal and apples mixed together which my Mom then mixed with more oatmeal. Why?
• Star-shaped puffs.
• Lint from under the dining room table. My Mom thinks she Swiffs a lot, but she doesn’t.
• A Frosted Mini Wheat. Note that I had to get this myself from under the dishwasher. My Mom eats them – the hypocrite! – yet she will not share them with me. But I noticed that when she caught me with the Mini Wheat, she let me keep it and she also seemed sort of impressed.
• Formula
• Organic butternut squash and corn. Not that you could tell by the taste, but it said so on the container.
• More pre-torn bread.
• More star-shaped puffs. She puts them in a contraption that she calls a “snack trap” that she claims is meant to keep the stars from spilling out. But I really think the device on the top of this “snack trap” is meant to be a delay tactic to buy my Mom just enough time to do things like pay the cashier at Target or fish the wipes out of the diaper bag. She cannot fool me, as I was not born yesterday.
• Two pieces of Styrofoam from the blocks at Kidspace. My Mom got the first one out of my mouth, but she does not know about the second. I plan to poop it out later as a surprise. Ha ha!
• A rock.
• Formula. They feed me a lot of this. I think it is why I am chubby, but I am not sure.
• Organic chicken and pasta dinner. I wonder why they buy all this organic baby food for me? Maybe they think it will balance out the lint and the Styrofoam.
• Part of a catalog.

You see? I am experimenting with all kinds of things on my own and am doing just fine. If you have the time and would like to support me, please send an email to my Mom and tell her that I am ready to move past baby food and try things like waffle irons and mustard and fruit. Yeah!